It’s so incredibly easy to cast blame when something goes wrong in a relationship. It’s human! It happens when we feel insecure about ourselves, about our lovability. Fear is telling us that if we don’t protect ourselves from the embarrassment of admitting our faults, we’ll suffer undesirable consequences.
The cure for this is to turn to Jesus.
Jesus was not only divine, remember. He was human and he showed us how to be fully human the way our Father designed us to be. And when we live according to design, we are happiest, most content, and most fulfilled.
There’s a fear that holds us back from becoming humble enough to accept blame upon ourselves (including when we’re faultless, thus imitating Jesus more completely). To get past it, first we need to look to our Father and become aware of how he sees us. Yes, he knows our faults — our sins and our mistakes — but he sees us through the lens of the cross. He sees our Savior on the cross and our faults nailed to that cross. He sees us as redeemed. He sees us as the wonderful child he created. He sees us as totally worthy of his love, whether we deserve it or not.
Next, we need to face the fear. Rather than hold onto the fear, it’s much more useful and productive to say to our beloved, “I’m afraid,” getting out into the open what the fear is, exposing it to the Light of Christ and the Truth of the Holy Spirit. The Light of Christ spotlights our reasons for feeling insecure or embarrassed or low in self-esteem, and the Holy Spirit teaches us how to be healed and set free from them. It might take a counselor or spiritual director to guide us to that healing, but rest assured, our Savior wants to provide us with healing.
The stronger we are in healthy self-esteem, and the more developed we are in our holiness, the easier it is to have a wonderful marriage. It’s easier because, instead of casting blame, which casts pain upon our beloved and causes division, we move past the faults, fix what went wrong, and enjoy the results.
- What do I frequently blame others for?
- How does this affect my sweetheart?
Strengthen your relationship:
Together identify a recent episode of blaming someone else for a problem. It could be a situation in which that other person was indeed at fault. It could be someone other than the two of you. Or, if you’re ready, choose an episode that happened just between the two of you. Then identify why it feels so important to focus on the blame. What fear is keeping you from moving past it, forgiving the one at fault, and/or forgiving yourself? How might Jesus want to redeem this into a better life? Pray together, asking Jesus to redeem this into a better life and more love-filled relationship.
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© 2017 by Terry Modica of Good News Ministries